Senior Citizens
Two elderly
gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on
a bench under a tree when one turns to the other
and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I
feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like
a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair,
no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
An elderly
couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after eating, the wives left the table and went
into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man
said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"
The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has
thorns."
"Do you mean
a rose?"
"Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards
the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of
that restaurant we went to last
night?"
Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a
student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat
about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked
him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't
know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital
gown."
Couple in
their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help
them remember.
Later that
night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream ?" "Sure." "Don't you
think you should write it down so you can remember
it?" she asks.. "No, I can
remember it." "Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should write it down, so's not to
forget
it?" He says, "I
can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries. "
"I'd also
like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated,
he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can
remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!"
Then he
toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate
for a moment.
"Where's my
toast?"
A senior
citizen said to his eighty -year old
buddy:
"So I hear
you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know
her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman,
is she good looking?"
"Not
really."
"Is she a
good cook?"
"Naw, she
can't cook too
well."
"Does she
have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor
as a church mouse."
"Well, then,
is she good in bed?"
"I don't
know."
"Why in the
world do you want to marry her
then?"
"Because she
can still drive!"
Three old guys are out
walking.
First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's
Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.
Let's go get a beer."
A man was
telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really,"
answered the neighbor . "What kind is
it?"
"Twelve
thirty."
Morris, an 82
year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A
couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor
said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful."
One more. .
!
A little
old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The
waitress asked kindly, "Crushed
nuts?"
"No," he
replied, "Arthritis."
Found at
http://your-joking.atspace.co.uk/