24 THINGS THAT MAKE A GUY FEEL LIKE A MAN
1, OPENING JARS - Nang, she's struggling. You take
it from her hands,
open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't.
Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman
but even saying it to
kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks?
Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball
and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt,
is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines
driving, lifting and -
as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish - noisy destruction = man.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table,
slinging your coat
on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife
wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds
have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Gr rrr r, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is
all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than
you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers
you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you
a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would
have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £300 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay,
so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike
birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first
time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of
time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially
if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a
Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code
that says that's
right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump.