HOMOSEXUAL HUMOR
Two gays are walking down Market street in San Francisco when they spot a stud muffin coming their way. "I hear he is a great lay," says one.
"No shit?" says the other.
"Well," replies the first, "Just a little once in a while."
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A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay.
The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."
Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55".
The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.
Gerry said, "1...2...3..."
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A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said,
"Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The Mayor replied, "That's right young man. I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet ... I kissed a Cock-or-two."
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Bill and his sidekick walk into a bar, not realizing it's a gay bar. They take a table and sit down. Some guy walks over and leans on the table, saying, "Hey, you guys wanna play butt football?"
Not really knowing what that is, Bill asks the bartender.
The bartender says, "Oh, you just chug a beer; that's the touchdown; then you pull down your pants and boxers, bend over and moon the room and fart; that's the extra point."
Bill looks at his friend and says, "Why not? Sounds like a whole lot of fun!"
Bill's sidekick chugs a beer, pulls down his pants, moons the room, and farts.
Bill chugs his beer, pulls down his pants, bends over and is just about to moon the room when another guy walks up behind him, sticks his dick up Bill's ass, and yells, "Field goal block!"
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Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so damn cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" the devil replied.
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Two gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.
One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"
"Container ship."
"OK, what's that one over there?"
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"
"That's a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"
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A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.
A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!"
The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."
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Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer.
"Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?"
Scott replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!"
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A gay guy walks into a bar in the Deep South with a huge German Shepherd. When he walks up to the bar and asks for a scotch and water, the bartender looks him over and replies, "We don't serve your kind in here."
"Say," says the gay, "I'm pretty thirsty, and if I don't get a drink soon I'll sic my dog Killer on you."
"Listen, faggot," snarls the bartender. "Get out of here or I'll throw you out. And I ain't scared of your dog!"
"You've forced my hand," says the gay, reaching down to unsnap the leash. "Go, Killer, get him!"
So Killer jumps up on the counter and scratches the bartender's eyes out.
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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
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In the days of Yore, long gone by, at the time of Camelot, there were many brave Knights, but the bravest of them all was Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the bravest of the brave, goodest of the good and purest of the pure.
One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty charger, his quest as ever, to slay dragons, rescue maidens and hopefully turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his shiny armor he set forth, brave, good and pure.
However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, as out of nowhere a strange anomaly of time and space appeared, and before Sir Lancelot could rein in his horse, they plummeted through the vortex and were hurled many years through time and many miles through space, until finally ... they landed in present day San Francisco.
Slightly disorientated and completely naked (the anomaly did not transport non living tissue or in-organic substances), Sir Lancelot surveyed the new world that he had been thrust upon. His nakedness did not trouble him, for in his mind he was clad in the raiment of Goodness and Purity. Just then he spied what he thought must be an Inn of some form named "The Fudge Packer."
He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all manner of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but on closer inspection, they turned out to be men as well, dressed in female clothing.
Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and his foot slid through a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He somersaulted into the air before landing on his head, knocking himself unconscious, draped face down over a chair and ... a Good Knight was had by everyone!
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What is the difference between a hobo and homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass.
Did you hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to three butts a week!
Why can't lesbians wear makeup and go on a diet at the same time?
Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.
What do you have if you put 50 government employees and 50 lesbians in the same room?
100 people who don't do dick.
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a lesbian?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
What's a lesbian?
Just another woman trying to do a man's job.
Did you hear about the 2 gay lawyers?
They wanted to try each other.
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
"Leave it, it's Beaver."
What do you call 2 Irish gays??
Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.
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Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, the gay man went to his doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong.
So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "It's only me!"
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A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, "I must say, this is the cleanest twat I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."
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A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.
"Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely.
"What do you think I am?" replied the gay man. "A slot machine?!?"
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Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like - the recognition."
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"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
O.K., now here's a few things to ponder. What were they thinking?
1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." OUCH!!!!
2. "So I peered into the tube . . . "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
5. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would of made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc it's like this: See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . . . "
7. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
8. People named "Kiki" which obviously is a Polynesian word for"idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.
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What kind of license do lesbians need?
A licker license.
Did you hear that 35% of all gay men were born that way?
The rest got sucked into it.
Why did the boy leave his gay father?
He didn't want to be reared by a fag.
What does gay stand for?
Got Aids Yet
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian.
What do lesbians do after an argument?
They go home and lick each others wounds.
What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
What did one lesbian say to the other?
Your face or mine?
What's the definition of frenzy?
Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.
What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating?
Finger-paint.
What do you called two naked lesbians in a canoe?
Fur-Traders.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike.
What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A tong war.
Why were lesbians invented?
So feminists wouldn't breed.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur
A Lickalotapuss.
Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week.
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There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"
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Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, "Look, do you mind not staring at me? It's making me uncomfortable."
The other man says, "I'm sorry...My name is Jake. I'm gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out..."
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. "I'm sorry, pal, but I'm a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer."
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept 'ooo'ing and 'aaahhh'ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
"My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!" He shouted.
And Jake replied "READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!"
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One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.
"What the hell are you doing???" The gay man asked his partner.
The gay man's partner looked up at him sheepishly, "Oh... I was just packing your lunch!"
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There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they found an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy.
They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying the row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. "Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "He sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
"Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "But he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."
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Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the cage... slams him to the floor and screws him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt. His lover responded, "Hurt..Hurt.. You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
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How can you tell if you've stumbled into a lesbian bar?
Even the pool tables don't have balls.
How can you tell when your house has been burglarized by gays?
When you come home, you discover that your jewelry is missing, and all your furniture has been tastefully rearranged.
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-you-all.
How do you make a fruit cordial?
Pat him on the behind!
What do you call a lesbian that has more than one lover?
A bush hog!
A pick-up line in a gay bar: "May I push your stool in?"
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his pecker. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
Why did the gay boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared!
Why did the gay guy stop having anal sex?
Every night it was the same shit!
What did ELLEN DeGeneres say to Kathy Lee?
"May I be FRANK with you..."
Two homosexuals were walking hand in hand by a local gay bar, when one guy says to the other, "Hey honey, wanna get shit-faced tonight?"
What's the leading death among Lesbians?
Hairballs!
Did you hear about Ellen Degeneres' death?
She drowned in Rikki Lake!
What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A fruit stand!
What do you call gay lawyers?
Legal Aids!
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung!
Did you hear about the three gay guys who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the other did her hair.
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The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"
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Having picked George up in a gay bar, Sandy was driving home when, entranced by his companion, he failed to see the red light. Plowing into a van, he nearly marked his laundry when the driver got out, a big brute of a man.
"You idiot!" he screamed. "You drive like my grandmother, and you can kiss my a$$!"
Sighing with relief, the gay driver said to his companion, "Thank God! He wants to settle out of court."
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An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Found at
http://your-joking.atspace.co.uk/