INTERPRETING YOUR DATE
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key "signs."
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
3. Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. - Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. - Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. - Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. - Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a handjob.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter. - Small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet. - Small penis.
34. Undertips cabbie. - Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
37. Cellular phone in car. - Penile implant.