01:
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

02:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

03:
Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes of to jump on a trampoline.

04:
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first  branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.  Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might gets you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

05:
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial,the jury acquitted him.  Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

06:
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy works in a topless BAR.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain a that to a seven-year-old?"

07:
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.  Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs,  "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

08:
A woman went to the doctor wanting a physical exam and said she was about to be married for the third time. After a thorough examination the doctor was dumbfounded. "Ma'am, would you please tell me how it is that you have been married twice already and are still a virgin?".

She answered, "Oh that's easy. My first husband was a plumber, and he always said he'd get to it next week. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and he only wanted to talk about sex. But now I'm marrying a lawyer, so I know I'll get screwed!"

09:
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?
A: Because deep down, they're not so bad!

10:
Two lawyers are walking down the street when this beautiful redhead walks by them. One lawyer turns to his buddy and says " Boy would I like to screw her ".
The other lawyer replies " Out of what? "

11:
You're in a room with Hitler, Mussolini, and a lawyer. You've got a pistol with only two bullets...Whom do you shoot?
The lawyer....twice

12:
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9)Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag

13:
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Crap!!" Bad Skydiver:"Crap!!" "Whack!!"

14:
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, ''Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.'' Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ''Help me find my ball; you look over there,'' he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, ''After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?'' ''What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!''
''And a liar, too!'' Sid says with amazement. ''I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!''

15:
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"
Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut the heck up and let me play my second shot?"

16:
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, ''You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree.'' With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.''

17:
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

18:
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

19:
One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, "I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow." So, Bill Clinton went back and said, "Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow." Colon Powell went back and said, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow. Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, " I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved."

20:
What does Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!

21:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.'

22:
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. 'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,' boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,' says Gates. 'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,' he continues. In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

23:
Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates where god meets him and says ' you are a great man I will let you choose where you go ' heaven or hell? Bill says ok lets take a look at them, lets start with hell. So they hop into a elevator and after an hour of going down they stop the doors open and Bill looks out. He sees a bunch of beautiful women in bikini's running around on a beach. the weather is perfect and everybody is happy. Bill says ok if this is hell lets see heaven so they get back in the elevator and stop at heaven. Bill looks out and sees a bunch of boring old angels flying around so Bill says ok I will take hell. -==6 months later==-
God decides to check up on Bill. But when he looks out of the elevator, Bill is hanging by a rope above a pit of fire.
Bill says: what the heck happened to the beautiful women and the perfect weather and the beach??
God says, "Ohh that was the demo."

24:
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, its a hardware problem!

25:
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

26:
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

27:
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?

The bucket.

28:
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!

29:
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.' So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. 'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman. 'Mr. God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'

31:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.

1.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
2.Try to talk while drinking something.
3.Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
4.Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 5.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

32:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.
1.Be vague in your order.
2.When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
3.If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
4.After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
5.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

33:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.

1.State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
2.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
3.Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
4.Detect the order taker's psychic laura. Use it to your advantage.
5.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

34:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.

1.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
2.Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
3.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
4.Put them on hold.
5.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

35:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun
1.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
2.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
3.When the order is repeated,change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" 4.When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
5.Haggle.

36:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.

1.Order a one-inch pizza.
2.Order term life insurance.
3.When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
4.Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
5.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

37:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.

1.While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
2.Engage in some serious swapping.
3.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
4.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
5.If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

38:
Ways to make ordering pizza fun.
1.Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
2.Order a steamed pizza.
3.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
4.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
5.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

39:
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

40:
Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend.                                            At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be                                            ok. "Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him."

41:
Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.    First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."    Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."       Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

42:
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information: Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator! So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air: Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!

43:
Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds."Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after every stroke."

44:
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

45:
This lady wants to learn how to play golf because her husband is a golf addict, And she would like to play with him.She goes to the golf pro and says "Please, teach me how to play golf.""Ok" says the golf pro, "first we nee took teach you the swing."So they go to the driving range and she is TERRIBLE!The golf pro looks at her and tells her "I see your problem, it's your grip, I suggest you hold the club like you hold your husbands Willie"Hearing this she steps up to the tee and WHAM! She drives the ball 250 yards straight! The golf pro is amazed and says, "Wonderful-now take the club out of your mouth!

46:
Q. What are the three greatest lies? A. 1 the check is in the mail 2.small is beautiful 3 I won't come in your mouth

47:
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied, "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?""Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I pushed it back in."

48:
A man walks into the local pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to burst. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant to follow him. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "Where did he go?" "Over to your house..."

49:
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?""Of course not, where did you hear such that?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

50:
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

51:
A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie.Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

52:
Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someoneelse, because you are.5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2) Less guilt the morning after.1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

53:
A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning.His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.He yells at her, "What was that?"She replies "Touchdown, tie score."Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10  minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

54:
Q: How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

A: Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

55:
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

56:
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."

57:
What is the thickest book in the world? "What Men Think They Know About Women"

Found at
http://your-joking.atspace.co.uk/