01:
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!  She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."  Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

02:
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

03:
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

04:
A blonde said that she was getting tired of men telling DUMB Blonde jokes, and promised to give the next man telling a dumb blond joke, a piece of her mind. At lunch time she went to a restraunt with a friend of hers and as they sat waiting to be served they heard some men at the next table telling dumb blonde jokes.
Immediately she stood up and yelled at the two men, "I will have you guys to know, that all blondes are not dumb, as a matter of fact I am a very well educated blond and have even received a Doctorate degree from college."
Oh is that so, one of the men replied. "Then why don't you tell us the capital of Wyoming?"
She replied immediately, " That's easy...W!"

05:
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!

06:
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.  Within seconds, she becomes furious and storms out.

Immediately, the angry woman goes into her supervisor's office. She tells her manager what had just transpired and explains that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.

The supervisor is rather puzzled by this time, so he asks, "What's wrong with a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

07:
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

08:
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

09:
Why do blondes wear those sock-like things on their ankles?
To keep their ears warm.

10:
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.  She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.  She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

11:
Most any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

12:
Why can't blondes get drivers licenses?
During the test, whenever the car stops, they jump in the back seat.

13:
Why are there no blonde ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together.

14:
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out.
After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

15:
Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
So brunettes can understand them.

16:
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

17:
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.  After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him.  The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

18:
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

19:
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

20:
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"

She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

21:
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.

22:
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

23:
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

24:
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home she drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

25:
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.  Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

26:
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

27:
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

28:
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

29:
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.

30:
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old  woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

31:
A brunette and a blond go sky diving.

As the plane starts to turn towards the jump run the two of them figure out the order by which they were going to jump out of the plane. The 1st is the blond and 2nd the brunette.

So the blond jumps out counts to ten and pulls the ripcord, the chute opens up, no problem. The brunette jumps, counts to ten, pulls the cord but the chute doesn't pop, she tries the emergency, no luck either, so she's plummeting to her certain demise.

On the way down the brunette zooms past the blond.

"Ah, so you want to race huh?"

So the blond undoes her parachute.

32:
How many men would it take to mop a floor? No one knows; they've never done it.

33:
Why are marriend women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

34:
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money

35:
Why don't men eat between meals. There *IS* no "between" meals.

36:
When does a man open the door of the car for his wife? A.When he has a new car. B.When he has a new wife.

37:
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how manystacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours? None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.

38:
> Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? a) Get away or I'll call the police!!! b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

39:
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
1.  Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2.  The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3.  I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4.  I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5.  A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

40:
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
1.  A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 2.  The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
3.  I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
4.  I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

41:
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

1. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
2. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
3. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
4. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
5. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

42:
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. 1. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
2. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
3. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
4. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
5. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
6. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
7. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

43:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

44:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

45:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

46:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

47:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

48:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank.  If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...  Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

49:
A man and his wife are doing yard work.  The husband says to the wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill."  She ingores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

50:
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.  Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten.  With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

51:
True Stories -  Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

52:
True Idiots - A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

53:
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

54:
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

55:
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

56:
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

57:
A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

58:
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

59:
True Stories - When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

60:
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

61:
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Found at
http://your-joking.atspace.co.uk/