What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What do you call a woman without an asshole?

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten backinto the bowl. "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

There was a girl who had one huge goal in life. Her goal was to have a baby. She got a guy to go to the movies with her and they hopped in the backseat. As soon as he got ready, she asked "What are we gonna name the baby?" He told her he didn't want a baby and that she was crazy. With that he got out of the car and left. The next weekend the same thing happened. Well on the third weekend she finally got someone that was really horny. As he got ready to screw her she asked the question. "What are we gonna name the baby?" He ignored her and went about his business. About halfway through she asked him again only to get ignored even more. When they finally finished she asked him again. He replied while taking off his condom and tying it in a knot, "We'll call him Houdini if he can get out of this."

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.  A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are  you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer:  Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.  Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man:  Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So what happened then?
Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man:  And then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.  Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man:  Again?
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do then?
Farmer:  I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man:  And then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.  Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man:  Hmmm...
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.

Man:  So, what did you do?
Farmer:  Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment,  my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....Some things  you just can't explain.

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny.  As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.  Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes.  Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.  Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.   That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.  Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed".  This confused him.  That night he told his Dad.  "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs.  Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.  He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.  He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.  He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.  He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.  Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.  After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.  The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A blonde & brunette are in an elevator.  On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff.  The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocain, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madamm.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our  team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves,  at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.  

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.  He finally gets himself to the doctor.  He says, "How bad is it doc?  I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week."  So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.  It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This was the first time he ever saw them.  She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"

A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third girl takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women used the money he gave to them.

Which one does he choose?  The one with the big boobs!

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."   To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir;  I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!"  the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do" he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12" Bic lighter.

"Wow" said his friend. "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from the genie".

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yeah, he is right here in my golf bag".

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So the guy asks for one million bucks.  The genie hops back into the bag leaving the guy standing there waiting for the million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of one million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend turns to his golfing partner "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

His buddy says. "Hell, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing, Do you really think I would have asked him for a 12" Bic!"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself."  The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
  l. There's too much front end protrusion
   2. It chatters at high speeds
   3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
   4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.  The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

A man finally goes with his wife to church.  The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."  The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."  The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again".  

The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".  

The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned.
As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.  She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned."  Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or Should I?"

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.
He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.  Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

They clear off the bed and go at it.

Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

This test is so realistic it is scary!!!!!  It amazes me how these things really work!  How do they do it??  The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S.  and European psychologists.  The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie:

       A.  Yellow
       B.  Purple
       C.  Green
       D.  Red

                (scroll down for psychological profile)


       A.  You chose the Yellow Teletubbie.  You are gay.
       B.  You chose the Purple Teletubbie.  You are gay.
       C.  You chose the Green Teletubbie.   You are gay.
       D.  You chose the Red Teletubbie.     You are gay.

This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."  

The bartender asks,  "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"  

The guy responds, "I'm  a taxidermist."  

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,  "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

While vacationing in Spain a tourist enters a restaurant and is immediately shown to his table. As he browses the menu he notices a gentleman at a nearby table eating what appears to be two large brown balls. The tourist is very curious so he ask the waiter for the name of the dish.

"Oh my" the waiter exclaims. "This is our most prized culinary delight.
Each day there is a bull fight. The matador bravely confronts the bull with his red cape. The bull charges him several times and each time the matador bravely escapes death. Eventually the bull fighter will stab the bull with his sword and kill him. It is at that precise moment that the balls of the bull are cut off and rushed to the kitchen of our restaurant.
We prepare the dish with our best herbs and spices and serve it to one of my customers."

The tourist is intrigued so he makes a reservation for the next serving of the bulls testicles. Promptly at 3pm sharp the next day the tourist arrives and escorted to a table near the window. Some complementary wine is brought to his table with a large bowl containing the balls. The tourist bites down and begins to slowly savor the meat. Within a few minutes the tourist finishes the meal and motions to the waiter. "I'm curious about something. Yesterday I noticed that the balls were so large but today the balls that I was served were very very small."

"Oh my," the waiter replied, "I must have failed to mention that sometimes the bull wins."

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.  "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.  The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."  At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.  After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.  

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer  The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.  Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell!  What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

You Might Be An Engineering Major
1. If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2. If you enjoy pain.
3. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
4. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
5. If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

You Might Be An Engineering Major
6. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.
9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
10. If you think in "math."

You Might Be An Engineering Major
11. If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
12. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.
14. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
15. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

You Might Be An Engineering Major
16. If you can translate English into Binary.
17. If you can't remember what's behind the door marked "exit" in the computing center.
18. If you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
19. If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
20. If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

You Might Be An Engineering Major 21. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
22. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
23. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
24. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
25. If you understood more than five of these indicators.
26. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There  is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse  me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

When not to Fart.
1. In a crowded elevator 2. On a crowded bus 3. In a public library 4. While on a date 5. While giving a speech 6. In church 7. In a crowded classroom 8. In your office when you're alone - someone's bound to walk in    immediately afterwards 9. In a movie theater 10. In your cubicle at work - again someone's bound to walk in to visit

When not to Fart.

11. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while 12. In an commercial airplane 13. In a ticket line 14. In your car before picking up a family member 15. during confession 16. In bed when you're feeling frisky 17. In a Cessna 18. While fighting fire in a burning building 19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

When to Fart
1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure    it's a silent one. 2. In a bathroom 3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things 4. In an empty elevator before you get off 5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become    unoccupied. 6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work 7. While parachuting 8. While scuba diving 9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested 10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated

When to Fart

11. In your car if you've been carjacked 12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their    turn. 13. In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go    quicker. 14.  During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors 15.  While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to     blame.

"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing"

One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date.
While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him.  So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse.  Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly.
The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her.  Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady.  Which way was it headed?"

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF..Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took


YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You have a rag for a gas cap.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

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