01:
A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and quantities.
Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son. Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon."
"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon."
"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...."
02:
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
03:
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
04:
Two nuns were painting a room on the fifth floor on a convent.
There was no air conditioning and they could not open the windows.
One nun said to the other "Hey, why don't we take off our clothes and paint in the nude, no one will know." The other nun hesistantly said okay. So they stripped down and begun once again painting when they heard a knock at the door.
Both scared to death said "Who is it?" The response was a blind man. They both looked at one another and thought what the heck? They opened the door, the man walked in and said "Nice tits, where do you want these blinds hung?"
05:
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause...
The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex."
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."
"Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
"Big tits" replied the Pope.
06:
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. 'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. 'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
07:
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
1) religion 2) royalty 3) sex 4) mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
'My God,' said the Queen. 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?'
08:
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System". (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."
09:
It was his first time at this convention, on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, '34,' and everyone just burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, '87,' and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite sometime. Finally, he asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, 'we are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized and to save time we just yell out the number.' That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work the guy yelled out, '52,' and everyone just looked at him strangely, he just went back to work. Someone else yelled out the number, '68,' and everyone just laughed hysterically. So, he yelled out, '29,' and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work. Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, 'why when I yelled out a number no one laughed?' The co-worker replied 'well, you know how it is, some people can tell a joke and some people can't!'
10:
A blonde, a brunette and a red head decide to swim the breast stroke out to an island. A couple of hours later, the red head walks ashore on the island. The brunette is not far behind her. Two days later, the blonde finally walks ashore and says, 'Boy, that was hard. I think the other two cheated, though. I think they used their arms.'
11:
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, 'Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.' St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, 'OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.'
Dolly is outraged. She screams, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't!'
'Sorry, Dolly but a royal flush beats a pair anyday.'
12:
One day a college proffessor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'
13:
Two computer science students meet on campusone day. The first student calls out to the other, 'Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?' 'Well,' replies the other, 'I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'' 'Good choice,' says the first, 'Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
14:
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'
The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
15:
A blonde a brunette and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail. Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes on the other side. The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, 'meow meow.' The guards say, 'don't worry it was just a cat.' So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, 'meow meow.' The guards say, 'oh never mind, just another cat...' So then its the blondes turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all the noise is so the blonde says, 'Dont Worry Its Just Another Cat!!'
16:
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, 'dang, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy says, 'you would be drinking fast if you had what I had.' The bartender says, 'what do you have?' The guy says, '75 cents.'
17:
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'
18:
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!'
19:
A husband and wife were having some problems in bed, so the wife decides to got to a sex shop and buy some of those crotchless panties. She got up on the bed with nothing else on, when her husband came home. He walked into the bedroom and she said, 'Hey, honey, don't you want some of this?'
He looked at her long and hard and said, 'I don't think so'.
She asked him, 'Why?'
He responded, 'Look what it did to those panties!'
20:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
21:
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
22:
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher was asking questions. The teacher said, 'I have something in this bag. It's a fruit, crunchy and red. What is it?' Little Johnny piped up and said, 'That's easy, it is an apple.' 'Very good,' the teacher said. Little Johnny was not done yet. 'Teacher, now I have a question for you. I have something in my pocket that's round and hard, and has a head on one end. What is it?' 'Go to the office now!' the teacher screamed, because she knew what a dirty mind Johnny had. Little Johnny said, 'It's only a quarter, but I really like your thinking.'
23:
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
24:
One day a kid's mom and dad took him to a nude beach. The kid went to play in the water and came back a little while later and told his mom "I just saw a woman who had bigger things than you do mom." His mom replied "the bigger the woman's boobs the dumber the woman." So, the boy went out to play again, and came back a little while later and said to his mom "Mom, I just saw a man who has a bigger thing than Dad." His mom replied "The bigger the thing, the dumber the guy." So the kid went out to play again, then came back and told his mom "Daddy was talking to a woman, and he kept getting dumber and dumber."
25:
A blonde goes to the doctor because she isn't feeling well. The doctor examines her and says to her, 'I have examined you and I know what is wrong with you, your pregnant!' Her response 'Oh my god! Are you sure it's mine?'
26:
There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, 'Thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn.' The priest said, 'I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn.' So they all agreed and went to their rooms. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. 'There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'That's ok,' said the farmer, 'I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it.' So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. 'I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'Well, I guess that leaves me,' said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.
27:
A Panda Bear walks into a cafe and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'
The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!' At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street.
The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'
28:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.'
29:
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, 'I'm sorry but you only have 6 hours to live.' So, the guy goes home and says to his wife, 'Honey, I only have 6 hours to live.' So, they go right to bed. They have sex and an hour later he says, 'Can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay.' An hour later he says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay, maybe one more time.' They do it and an hour later the guys says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' The wife says, 'Absolutely not! I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
30:
Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle of Kansas where there was nothing around for miles but wheatfields. One blonde says, 'Look over there!' There was another blonde wearing scuba gear and acting like she was swimming through the wheat. The other blonde says, 'Look over there!' where there was still another blonde in a boat. The blonde driving said, 'It's people like that that give us blondes a bad name.' The other blonde said, 'Yeah! And if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and beat the crap out of them!'
31:
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, 'Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.' The cashier leaned over the counter and said, 'Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg'.
31:
You may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
32:
You may be a redneck if.. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
33:
You may be a redneck if.. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
34:
You may be a redneck if.. The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
35:
You may be a redneck if..You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
36:
You may be a redneck if..Your parents met at a family reunion.
37:
Q - How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A - The joystick is wet.
38:
Q - What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A - Her ankles.
39:
Q - What does a blonde owl say? A - What, what?
40:
Q - Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A - Because it kept falling out.
41:
Q - Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A - Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
42:
Q - What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A - Spot
43:
Q - What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A - Humpme Dumpme.
44:
Q - What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A - "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
45:
Q - Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A - Because she blows the horn!
46:
Q - What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A - Locking the car door.
47:
Q - Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead? A - The blonde --- she's eighteen!
48:
Q - How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A - Shoot him before he hits the water.
49:
Old man: And what do you do, sir? Lawyer: I'm a criminal lawyer. Old man: Aren't they all!
50:
Q - What do you call a women that wants sex as much as you do ? A - A dream.
51:
Q - Where do gays park? A - In the rear.
52:
Q - How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A - It's not hard.
53:
Q - What is the difference between women and computers? A - A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy
54:
Q - Why do we have orgasms? A - How else would we know when to stop?
55:
Q - Why do we have orgasms? A - How else would we know when to stop?
56:
Q - What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? A - The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
57:
Q - What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date? A - Slow !
58:
Q - "Hey Harry, how's the world been treating you?" A - "Like a baby treats a diaper."
59:
Q - What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? A - You shut the door.
60:
Q - When do you care for a man's company? A - When he owns it.
Found at
http://your-joking.atspace.co.uk/