Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathmeticians. All their organs are numbered.' Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless,and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.'
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat" "Defense" "Deduct" and "Detail."
Jack, being a slow learner, stood seriously for awhile with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeet of deduct went over defense before detail"
A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as *she- and *her.- He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees an extremely beautiful blonde in a tight mini-skirt, and decides to get on the bus directly behind her. As the bus pulls up, she begins to board the bus, but cannot make the first step with her mini zipped. She reaches behind her and undoes a zipper. Then she attempts to board the bus, once again she fails in her attempt. She reaches behind her once more and undoes the same zipper. She tries again to board the bus, and again she fails in her attempts. The young man finally decides just to lift her into the bus. When he lifts her she yells, 'Don't get fresh with me!' The young man just looks at her and says, 'Lady you've just undone my zipper twice, and now you say that I'm getting fresh with you!'
Their was a doctor walking down the sidewalk one day during the towns sidewalk sale days. He noticed a stand that said 'brains for sale.' He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound and another sign that said Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound. So he asked the man behind the cashregister how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00, the man replied, 'do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?'
It's a regular class at a university. Forum type, 300 to 400 students. The teacher is notoriously nasty with people who are tardy and he has a policy that when he says, 'STOP,' you stop taking your exam. Well one day he yells STOP! All the students stop and turn their tests in, except for one student. So the teacher thinks, 'OK, I'll let him keep going to waste his time.'
So five minutes pass and the late student walks up and tries to turn in his paper. But the professor says: Sorry I can't take your paper
Student: Why not?
Professor: Because you're late.
Student: (angrily) Do you know who I am?
Professor: (looks at the student) No.
Student: (Raises his voice) Do you know who I AM?
Professor: (acting nonchalantly) No
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and walks off.
One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, "I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow." So, Bill Clinton went back and said, "Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow." Colon Powell went back and said, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow. Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, " I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved."
There were these group of guys who spotted this great looking girl and asked her to climb a pole.
When the girl went home she told her mom about the guys. Her mother told her, 'Honey, they just want to look at your underwear.' 'I'll get them back for this,' the girl thought. That night she came up with a plan.
The next day the same guys asked her to climb the pole again.
She went home with a big grin on her face and told her mom that they told her to climb the pole again. 'What did I tell you! They just want to look at your underwear!' 'I fooled them Mom! I didn't wear any!'
A blonde walks into a restuant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up and asks, "What can I get ya today?" The blonde looks up, notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt, and asks, "Gee, that's nice what do you name the other one?"
One day, an engineer died. he was the kind of engineer that built stuff, like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God said 'Hey! You're not on the list! Go to Hell!' So he walked down about 30,555,2091 flights of stairs, and met the devil. He said, 'Okay! Come on in!' While in hell, he made all sorts of things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc. One day, God called the devil and said' You know that engineer? Well, he's suppose to be up here.' So the devil said, 'Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy!' God said, 'Well if you don't, I'll sue!' So the devil said, 'Sue? You can't sue me! You don't have any lawyers up there!'
Mother: Come on victor you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Ahh mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 34 and your the Principal!
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. 'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,' boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,' says Gates. 'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,' he continues. In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to I'll take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.' So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. 'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman. 'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'
A Child was sitting at school studying when his teacher called him to the front. "Do you know the Alphabet?" "No" "Tonight I want you to ask your family what the first four letters of the Alphabet are." "Alright."
"Mom what's the first letter of the alpabet." "SHUTUP!" "OK" His brother is watching Batman. "Hey what's the second letter of the alphabet?" "Dada,dada,Batman!" "OK" His dad is watching a football game. "Dad what's the third letter of the alphabet?" "Yes,yes,yes." "OK" His grandma is baking. "Grandma what's the third letter of the alphabet?" "My buns are on fire! My buns are on fire!" "OK"
"So what's the first four letters of the alphabet?" "Shutup!" "Where are your manners?" "Dada,dada,Batman!" "Do you want to go to the principals office?" "Yes,yes,yes!" "What's your excuse?" "My buns are on fire! My buns are on fire!"
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see it Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."....
There was this man that was deserted on an island for 10 years. One day he was on the beach when out of nowhere this beautiful woman appeared in a wetsuit. She walked over to the man and asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' He replied,' About 10 years.' She reached over and unzipped her left zipper and pulled out a cigarette and gave it to him. He lit it and took a couple drags and said, 'I've missed this.' She then asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a beer?' He said, 'The same about 10 years.' She then reached over and unzipped her right zipper and pulled out a beer and gave it to him. He opened it and took a couple drinks and said, 'That's good beer.' She then unzipped the long zipper in the middle to her patch and asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a real good time?' The man replied, 'You have golf clubs in there!'
Three blondes died and were up talking to St.Peter. he said ' I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven.' He asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' She answers 'Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey.' St. Peter just shook his head and said to the next blonde, 'What is Easter?' She answered, 'Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney.' Again St.Peter just shook his head. He said to the third blonde, 'what is Easter?' She said 'Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it.' St. Peter smiled and urged, 'yes... go on...' The blonde continued, 'then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.'
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer' and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road.' And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door'
There was a boy named Jack. One day, Jack needed to go pee realy bad. So he asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. His teacher said,'Only if you say the alphabet.' So Jack started the alphabet, 'A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z.' Then the teacher says, 'Where did the P go.' Then Jack replied, 'running down my leg.'
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, 'Grandpa,I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.' The grandfather replies, 'I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.' The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 'Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.' The grandfather replies, 'I know. That's from your grandma.'
These three guys are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of these guys just doesn't believe it and says, 'OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.' The mermaid says, 'Done.' Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly - and analyzes it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, 'Triple my I.Q.' The mermaid says: 'Done!' The guy starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time. The last guy is so impressed that he says to the mermaid, 'Quintuple my I.Q.' The mermaid looks at him and says, 'I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider.' The guy says, 'No way, I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free.' 'Please,' says the mermaid, 'You don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe... won't you ask for something else... 10 million dollars, anything?' No matter how hard the mermaid pleads, he remains steadfast. He instists on having his I.Q. increased five fold. The mermaid sighs and says, 'Done!' And he becomes a woman.
One day, a group of blondes and a group of brunettes went ice fishing on either sides of the lake. They all got settled and started fishing. The brunettes were pulling out the fish like crazy, while the blondes didn't even get a bite! The blondes spent 2 hours trying to figure out what to do. Then they got it. They sent a 'spy' over to the other side to see what the brunettes were doing differently. So she went over there and started thinking and watching. She sat there for an hour. Then, she yelled 'I GOT IT!!' and ran back. When she got back, all the other blondes asked what the brunettes were doing differently. She said - 'They cut a hole in the ice!!'
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first,' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?' Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.' 'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?' Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.' 'Thank you, Amie,' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?' Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.' The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
There was a little boy that always took his teacher raisins. Well that November he quit. The teacher thought he was mad at her so one day the teacher asked, 'Are you mad at me, you stopped bringing me raisins?' The boy said, 'No maam I'm not mad, my rabbit died.'
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!! The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the hiway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying '88, 88, 88.' A blonde saw her and asked her why she did it. The brunette said that it was fun and that the blonde should try it. So they were both walking down the middle of the street saying '88, 88, 88.' All of the sudden a huge semi-truck came along and the brunette jumped out of the way...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying '89, 89, 89.'
Q - Why are married women heavier than single women? A - Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q - How do you scare a man? A - Sneak up behind them and throw rice
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? A: From the snoring
Q - Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet
Q - What's a woman's definition of the perfect husband ? A - A man who is convinced he has the perfect wife.
Q - What's the difference between secretaries and wives? A - Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.
Q - Why did the women cross the road ? A - Never mind that, what the hell is she doing out the kitchen.