Me & My Big Mouth

While I was driving down the A38 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused.
"A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket : £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs : £45
Look on copper's face : Priceless.

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