Terms of employment

Dear Employee,

Due to the current financial situation, caused by the slowdown in the economy, your management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 yrs of age and older on early retirement.

The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Active People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management, to be eligible, for the SHAFT scheme. (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been Raped and Shafted will be reviewed, under the SCREW program. (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers)

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Management deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Management has always prided itself, in the amount of SHIT it gives.employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

We hope you have all enjoyed the holidays!

Sincerely The Management Head Office

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